Step to the back of the line…

lineHello my peeps (is that still a thing…peeps?)!! So, anyway, I went back to my Gynecologist to get a report on my hormones. Turns out I am pre-menopausal…who would have ever thought that? Well….maybe my husband when I jump out of bed at night convinced I am spontaneously combusting…or my children who never know if I am going to be snarling, crying, or laughing…or the bag boy who loaded my groceries into my car while I remained in a fetal position on my back seat…

OK, so it is no surprise that menopause has approached – just don’t blame anything on that. Fatal words that my husband said during our last argument: “Is this because you are going through the change?” He will NEVER say that again…actually, he may not be able to speak clearly any time soon (according to the Dr).

My gynecologist offers a hormone pellet that he inserts under your skin – this pellet is designed specifically for the individual’s needs.  However, my insurance does not cover this cost. I feel that this is what my body needs at this time and I agreed to pay the sum.

As I was leaving the office, I began to feel guilty about spending that money. Now, had this been for anyone in my family, I would not have hesitated. But it was for me…and I was feeling guilty. Why do I do this? I always put my needs and wants at the end of the line. Everyone comes before me. I have convinced myself that this is what it takes to be a good mother. Giving until it hurts and doing without is how I felt I needed to be. I can psychoanalyze myself and blame it on my upbringing or on the moon’s current placement in the sky but regardless where it originated…I need to change it.

I am finally at a point in my life where I am beginning to feel positive and good about myself. Yes, I have weight to lose. Yes, I have more wrinkles than I prefer. Yes, my checkbook doesn’t reflect the balance I pretend it does. But, darn it, I feel good.

My eating has changed so dramatically that it has had a ripple effect on other parts of my life. I am regularly cleaning my face – both night and day. I used to grab anything I could find on my counter and I would wipe my face with it…used washcloth, toothpaste drippings, or even my hairbrush (I convinced myself it was stimulating cell regeneration). Now, I am very careful about what I put on my face and I have seen a huge difference. But, at first, I felt so bad spending money on these cleansers and even taking the time to clean my face properly.

I convinced myself the family would fall apart if I was secluded for more than 10 minutes.  But guess what? It didn’t happen.

It still isn’t easy for me to put myself ahead of my family, but I am learning that by taking care of myself I am better able to take care of my family. If I don’t get this weight off – I may not be around for big events in my kiddo’s lives. That is not an option for me. It has been a difficult lesson to learn and I am still struggling with it. I had convinced myself that I was not worth the effort. But I am not more effective by doing without, I am hurting myself and others in the long run.

Does anyone else struggle with these demons? Are you pre-menopausal? How do you handle it? I cannot be the only person that struggles with this feeling…am I? I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I may repeat this to myself a million more times but I can’t make myself believe it until I am ready to accept it. And I am ready to accept it.

Love to you all,

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