Riding the Roller Coaster

OH MY GOD! My last entry was in August! What have I been doing, you ask? How have I been entertaining myself? Well…since I have not been updating my blog…I will give you three guesses how my weight loss journey is going:

A) Horrible

B) Crappy

C) Dear Lord, do not ask that question when I am standing this close to that

Kit Kat bar!

Ok, so I lost control during Covid Quarantine and have had a really hard time getting back into the healthy groove.

I went through the guilt: “How could you do this?” “Why would you do this to yourself?” “You are a failure!” This are the thoughts that consumed me. I fell off the keto wagon and I fell hard, right into a huge pile of bread and pasta.

No one is harder on me than I am on myself. Trust me!!

And I am getting the “looks”. You know, you go out and you can see someone you know looking you up and down with a look on their face. Is it disappointment? Is it happiness? I have learned the hard way, some people actually get happiness out of others failings. And I need to stop using the word failure. I looked up the definition of failure and it is “lack of success”. I don’t have that. I have been very successful with my weight loss journey. I have learned which foods are triggers for me, I have learned which people to keep in my close support circle, I have learned that food is a crutch for me and always has been. That is not a lack of success.

Did I have a temporary set back? Yes I did. Am I giving up and regaining all my weight until I hit that 480 mark again? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I am feeling the same excitement I originally felt when I started my journey. We will all ride the rollercoaster throughout our life. Maybe it’s relationships, maybe it’s food, maybe it’s family. We will all have ups and downs. Sometimes we will feel like we cannot recover from the lows. But we can. We can face our obstacles and we can eliminate them, one by one.

The power to bounce back from a low is not found online, it is not found on Etsy or Ebay. It is found (as corny as this sounds) within ourselves. We have to dig down and find our strength and use it to climb our way back to the top.

It’s not going to always be rainbows and unicorns. But how fun would a roller coaster be if it only went down? The lows are there so we can appreciate our highs and love ourselves for working to get there.

We can do this. We can do this together. If you are struggling – reach out to someone, hell reach out to me! WE CAN DO THIS!!

The Covid Hard 30!

Ok – I do not even know where to begin. Quarantine has been very difficult on me. When the Y closed, my mind closed. I tried to motivate myself to exercise at home, I tried to exercise in my room, I tried to go walking…but I couldn’t keep the mojo flowing.

I found myself just giving in to the blahs. I would tell myself “today you will jump out of bed and take a 3 mile walk” but my mind would quickly shift to “it’s really a bad time, covid-19 is rampant, no one else has to get up this morning…”. I talked myself into not exercising for one day…for one week…and then for a month…and then…

Yup, I stopped. I couldn’t stop my way of eating (I think it will forever be burned into my brain) but I stopped the movement.

My body has not responded well to being stationary and, you know the story, this led to depression which led to feeling like giving up. You been there? What am I saying, we have ALL been there. One afternoon, I just laid on my bed and broke down in tears and I mean sobbing. I was actually feeling sorry for myself. I was blaming COVID for my depression. Let me repeat that, I WAS FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

I pulled my old journals out and looked at my starting weight – 482. I looked at old picture and saw my face-a sad and unhappy face. I knew I could not go back to that starting line. I got angry at myself for giving in to my depression and I was harsh to myself. I began to doubt my abilities and doubt my success.

I called one of my sisters, as I usually do. I cried. I sobbed until I felt like I was going to throw up. Then we talked. She told me I needed to forgive myself before I went any further. I thought about that. By being angry, I was generating negativity towards myself. I have worked to hard to love myself and to get to where I am to despise the image in the mirror. We fall, we fail, sometimes we want to give up. But we can’t.

If you are facing these feelings, I get it. I do. But nothing is forever. Quarantines end. Covid clears. Where do we want to be standing when we get the green light? On our bed soaked in fear and apprehension? Or standing strong ready to grab hold and hold on tight?

Me? I am grabbing on and holding on with all my might.

So I started reading all the weight loss blogs and instagrams that I follow and I discovered something called the “Hard 75”. For 75 days you MAKE yourself keep to a regime hoping it will become a habit. The Hard 75 was a bit too intense for me so I created my own…the Hard 30! For 30 days, I am exercising at least 30 minutes a day, drinking a gallon of water, NO CHEAT DAYS, reading at least 10 pages of a self-help book and taking a picture every day.

It has only been one week…but guess what? I am starting to get that feeling again. I am feeling that pride creeping in and pushing out the anger. It is starting. If you are feeling this way? Let’s do it together! We can hard 30 support each other!!

WE ARE WORTH THIS!