January is what??

OK – here I am again. I know, I know, my blogs have been few and far between lately. I owe you more than that. I have asked you to be my support, to read my writings and to join me on my path. I have been struggling lately, I have been struggling AND hiding. I felt if I could keep myself hidden then I would not have to face the truth. If I wasn’t facing the truth, I would not have to make any changes… BUT that is not what I need, so here I start with my weekly scheduled blog AGAIN!

I heard an expression once “January is the calendar’s ingrown hair”. I get that. The after Christmas funk has set in and you are faced with stuffing deflated inflatables of cute puppies riding in Santa’s sleigh into a box which seems way smaller than when you first brought it home from Target. Your waiting on your W2 so you can process how much money was taken out of your paycheck and vacation is far far away…

January is what you make of it.

This January I am making it the start of something. A brand new year, a new month, all clean and ready for dates to be filled in and dreams to be fulfilled. I stand here with a clean and clear slate in front of me. I can choose to make NO changes and go through the whole year feeling how I feel now. Dissatisfied.

Why dissatisfied? I have let stress and worry become heavy in my life. So heavy that they have made the scale numbers go higher and higher. Yup. I let my insecurities back into my world. What insecurities you ask…

“You know you are going to fail, just go ahead and do it”

“Who are you to reach out and try to help others”

“Why do you think anyone cares”

Yup…all of those insecurities crept back into my head and slowly moved themselves to front and center. So here it is, the end of 2021 and I am taking inventory of my life. Do I want to stay where I am? Am I happy when I start to look at food as my comfort and my source of feedback (ha…FEEDback…get it?).

So the other day, my answer came right out in front of my face. Old tendencies bubbled up from where I had hidden them away. My husband and I walked into a restaurant and immediately my heart dropped. The booths looked tiny,. For the first time in 2 years, I said “can we have a table please”? I was sick. I had returned to a place of fear. Later I noticed that I kept pulling my shirt down over my stomach as we were walking through the mall. More and more some of the old fears began to appear: sitting down slowly on chairs that look a bit flimsy, putting away all sleeveless clothes and, once again, shopping online at the larger sized clothes.

I was so angry with my self and then I was scared and then I just cried and cried. Why did I let this happen? I had worked so hard! Do I write this up as a failure and just give up? Should I let my kids know that when I died they will have to burn the house around me (a Gilbert Grape reference that terrifies me)?

OK, I was a bit extreme. Yes, I had gained some weight but I was still down 180 pounds. I had to flip this so I didn’t let myself fall deeper and deeper into depression. I can still help so many people. How many of us have fallen and fallen with our weight loss and still get up? A LOT of us.

So yes, it is another beginning for me. I have to put on my big girl granny panties (which are the only ones that fit now anyway) and face my reality. I can do this. I absolutely can do this. Join me and come along for the ride!

SO in closing, January will not be my ingrown hair – it will be my full-on lash extensions, full lip and winged eyeliner!

Fatty Jody

Guess who’s back? Back again?? YES ME! And I STILL have weight to lose. And if I hear one more time, “It’s a journey, not a race…”I KNOW!!!! I have been on this journey since the 7th grade.

Seriously, the 7th grade. I recently posted on my Tik Tok account (heck yea, ya girl has a TikTok!!) a question to my peeps. What is your earliest memory of realizing you had a body image issue. You would not believe the answers I received. One woman remembered her dad making sounds every time she walked through the den…in the 3rd grade!! Another person said that at every reunion, her aunt would call attention to the fact that she had to wear women’s size clothes…yea, she was in the 6th grade.

My memory? I remember my aunt calling me “Fatty Jody” when she came to visit us. I had never had anyone directly say something to my face. I mean, there were little signs…like shopping in the JCPenney husky department for back to school clothes. Or when the class would stop to watch me try and do the 1/2 mile run for the Presidential Physical Fitness Award (yea, that is a whole ‘nother blog). But my parents had never said out loud that I was heavier than the average young girl.

So my aunt just spoke the facts that she thought were actual. She saw me as “Fatty Jody”. She didn’t see me as the young girl who was throwing her lunch away at school every day so people wouldn’t watch her eat. She didn’t see me as the girl who would be the “ear” to all the boys when they talked about the girls they liked. She didn’t see me as the girl who tore pictures of girls out of her Tiger Beat magazine and tried to imagine what it felt like to look that way.

But what is the saddest of all is that I didn’t see myself as anything but “Fatty Jody” either. I was always the class clown, because who would take someone who was overweight seriously. I always made good grades, because I sure as heck wasn’t getting any athletic awards and I never put myself out there. I never attempted so many of the things I wanted to because of how I felt about myself. I think back to that 7th grade girl and I just want to hold her and I want to tell her what an amazing sense of humor she has, I want to tell her she is beautiful and I want to tell her, more than anything, I want to tell her she has to love herself.

I am still working on that one. I am still working on loving myself. So many people are in this same boat. We grew up with judgement and from that judgement, we formed our opinions of ourselves. One year ago, I went on my first kayak ride down the Savannah River near our home. That was a huge deal for me and I almost chickened out at the last minute. But I didn’t. Do you know why I didn’t? Because I have built a wonderfully positive and amazing support group around myself. I don’t hear the negatives, I hear “Of course you can do this” or “I am so proud of you”.

That is another thing that I would tell “Fatty Jody”. I would tell her to build a support network. A strong group to surround her. Oh and I would tell her to tell her Aunt Daisy to shut the hell up.

Oh and look for me on TikTok @higgsbunch!!

Until next time…

Coffee with a side of WHAT?

Ok, I am on a health journey, I am not shy about that. I want to be abe to experience things that I previously was too scared to try. Massage? Got one. Cryotherapy? Yup. Chiropractor? Been there. I am a big fan (no pun intended) of alternative medicine. I have always been a little nervous to try it, but I have always fascinated by it. So, as my weight gets lower and lower, I find myself reading and joining groups that advocate non-mainstream medications. So, that brings me to my latest blog…not sure if every one is ready for this, but I have always been honest so here goes…

COFFEE ENEMAS!

Yes, you read that right. Go back and reread it if you think you may have been mistaken. I will wait.

Ok, so I learned about “Up Yours Java”- a company that teaches and endorses the use of coffee and hydrogen peroxide water enemas. You do these every morning. You have to prepare both the water and the coffee. I mean, you can’t go through Starbucks and ask them for the “Bottom Line Frappucino”. Believe it or not, there is actually a coffee made special for enemas. I purchased all my equipment (a French Press, the Coffee, Mason Jars, an Enema gadget and food grade hydrogen peroxide). I was ready to start but I wasn’t starting. A bit nervous, I guess. Finally, my husband mentioned all the new products in the pantry and compared it to my buying a juicer when I was doing a Juice Fast, buting organic veggies when I was doing a Veggie cleanse, the monthly pills that were guaranteed to eliminate stubborn belly fat… Ok, I knew I had to star.t I could not let him win an argument.

So I prepared my Mason jars. Boiled the distilled water, added the drops, made the coffee and 2 hours later…there I sat with two full Mason jars. My kids would enter the kitchen and ask what I was working on…then they would quickly run back to their rooms yelling something that amounted to “Dear God Mom…” I took this as them thanking the Lord above that I had found a new passion in life.

So, you are supposed to do the enemas for 30 days. Every morning. Now, I am not a morning person. So, waking up an hour ahead of my normal time to insert a tube into my nether regions did not make me extremely happy. But I did it. Yes, I did it. The company is fantastic about using actual pictures to demonstrate the product and it’s use. However, these people on the web page are apparently into hard core yoga. They were smiling and twisting their bodies for “easy and simply insertion”. Ok, how hard could this be, I thought.

I made my safe place (put an old beach towel on the floor) and plopped myself down on the ground to begin. Obviously, the people in the p ictures do not have dogs. As soon as I plopped, both dogs came running over and began jumping around and barking. They were obviously a lot more excited about this than I was. So, that was a no go. Locked the dogs out of the room and started again.

I wish I could explain the sounds that came from me as I tried to twist my body as they did in the pictures. It is not easy. Have you every given yourself an enema? I mean a legit enema…a tubing attached to a bucket of liquid? Well, lets just say I am glad I locked my door. I was making so much noise and grunting so loudly my husband began trying to enter the door and yelling. “Joanna! Should I call 911?” “What the heck is going on?” “EIther answer me ro I am breaking the door down!” I managed to tell him I was fine in between grunts. He wasn’t convinced and he and the dogs decided to wait outside the door barking (him) and whining (the dogs).

So, I will not go into details…unless you want details. But let’s just say it all worked out in the END! I have completed 6 days doing this, no, let’s say I have survived 6 days doing this. Will I continue? I do not know. But I will gladly keep you informed of what is happening in my lower intestine.

What about you? Have you tried anything new that you normally would have never tried? Let me know!! We gain a bit of confidence and courage as we regain our self confidence. It can be fun and it can also be…weird.

I’ll Take Easter Candy for $100, Alex!

Hi, my name is Joanna and I am an overeater! I eat my feelings, I eat my pain, hell, I even eat my happiness! My motto for so long was “Everything is better with a bean burrito”. I would wake up in the morning and wonder what I should have for breakfast, unch and dinner. Sometimes I would plan on eating all of them at the same time! It’s not easy to sort through extra psychological baggage to figure out why you overeat. I want to stop yo-yoing with my food and understand WHY I overeat. For instance…

There I was, minding my own business, walking through the local grocery store to pick up items for dinner (a good dinner too…not mashed potaoes with gravy and mac and cheese with a side of buttered bread) when I walked into aisle 3 and BAM (yes, just like Batman and Robin) there was the Easter candy right in front of me. I’m not talking one or two packs of jelly beans. I am talking about chocolate covered peeps, Easter snicker eggs, Hershey chocolate mini eggs, Reeses peanut butter bunnies and Hot Tamale peeps. YES HOT TAMALE PEEPS!

I spent the next two hours looking at every package, reading the back and trying to find a keto Easter peanut butter egg or a low carb peep…I would even settle for a Starburst jellybean…JUST ONE!

Alas, Easter candy is not conducive to healthy eating. Oh I know what people will say “Just eat one, everything in moderation”. Well, that is the problem Apparently I stayed home the say moderate eating was taught in 8th Grade Health. I can’t eat things like that in moderation, unless moderation means one in your mouth while 2 more candies sit on standbye in each chocolate stained fist.

I cannot eat in moderation so I refrain from eating it at all. That may seem ridiculous to you, but it is what I have to do. I once thought I had control of myself. I once thought I could eat one piece of chocolate, I could eat one pancake…fast forward 6 months and I had gained 60 pounds. So, yea, I can’t do that.It’s like being on Jeopardy and the catagory is “FOODS THAT MAKE YOU GAIN WEIGHT” but your damn buzzer doesn’t work! It is frustrating!

So, on Easter, on Christmas, on Thanksgiving and even on St. Patrick’s Day…I try to not make the holiday centered around food. It sounds easy, but when you raised that good food makes good times, it is hard to do. So I plan events, I plan games, I buy candy for the kid’s baskets/stockings BUT I only buy enough for them. No extras. Not happening. Not in this house.

Do you feel traumatized by the holidays? Reach out to me! Let’s battle this together. No successful dieter ever did it alone, I guarantee.