Can’t See the Forest for the Scale!

treeSo, last blog I wrote about how I had not lost weight in two weeks and how that can really play with your mind. It’s hard to turn your back on something that has governed how you see your body for the past 40 years (yes…the SCALE).

I tried something different. I stopped staring at the scale every morning. It no longer sits there glaring at me and daring me to step on it. I don’t wait until my “morning constitution” to weigh so I will weigh less. I don’t take off my earrings and my clothes (because I am convinced my clothes weigh at least 10 pounds). I even used to shave my legs before I weighed because I think I read somewhere that hairy legs weigh more…

I was CONSUMED by the numbers on the scale. When I was in a program where I was weighed weekly, I would not eat for two days before weigh-in, so I would reach goals. Then, I would go out for a fast food celebration when I reached my goal. In my mind, it actually made sense. I had deprived myself for two days and now I could reward myself.

And don’t even get me started on vacations. My rationalization was always “well, it’s vacation, I’m entitled” or “I will start when I get back-this is my break”.  My body must have been so confused. I can just imagine my digestive systems conversations: “OK, everyone work overtime…we just received a HUGE basket of french fries-Wait! Stop! We must be starving, everyone halt all food processing!”

I just got back from spending four days in Greenville SC with my husband. I don’t know if you have been to Greenville but it is seriously the food center of the world. And guess where we stayed? Right downtown in the food section! We got there and my husband said, “If you want to take a few days off, it won’t hurt you”. He was being nice, he knows that our whole life food has made me happy.

But things are different now. It’s not a temporary diet, this is my way of life. I know I have a problem and I know I will be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

So, guess what? I never one strayed from my eating program…in fact, I never even WANTED to. I felt so empowered and so in control of my life and that is a new feeling for me. I realized that nothing is going to stop me this time. Nothing. I don’t need food to reward me and I don’t need the scale to tell me that I am headed in the right direction,

Guess what else? When we got home, I was able to put on a pair of shorts that I haven’t worn in two years…YES TWO YEARS! Now that’s a victory.

How do you evaluate your success? Good or bad – let me know!

Love you all!

Blog it out baby!!

paper-3242863_1920So, the other day I started complaining about my upcoming surgery to my sister. She responded “Blog it out sister”!

That evening I started in on my kids with my husband…one of them hadn’t taken out the trash cans, one of them wanted more money and the last one was pouting in her room. My husband looked up and said, “Why don’t you put that in your blog?”

So I have come to a very big conclusion: My family totally supports my need to vocalize through print my emotional state and my desire to better myself…or I just complain a heckuva lot!

So here I go…complaining away!

I am having gallbladder surgery next week. I had my pre-op this week. I walked in expecting to have blood tests, EKG’s, temperatures and probably peeing in a cup. So i did that…it took 30 minutes. So what took the remainder of the 2 hours? MAKING SURE I COULD PAY WHAT INSURANCE DIDN’T COVER!

I was amazed! They even told me “if you can pay the whole $2800 up front we will give you a 25% discount”.  I asked if that applied to my $50 a month payment. I was answered with a blank stare and sneer. After the hospital had me sign away my first born son to the hospital, I was directed to anesthesiology. Good, I thought, they want to make sure I am healthy enough to be put under…right? NOPE. They wanted to make sure I could pay for the anesthesiologist! What happens if you can pay for the surgery and not the anesthesiologist? Do you have to just bite a bullet and let them cut away?

So…I signed away my second child to anesthesiology and then I was directed to the lab. Ahhhh…maybe they will have the results of all the labs they took earlier. NOPE! They wanted to inform me that if they do a biopsy, I will be responsible for my portion of the bill and how will I be paying. They take all major credit cards or cash. Unfortunately, even though I had one more child left, they were not willing to consider my offer.

There. Everyone was satisfied that at some point they would be receiving their money (maybe not at one time…but something would be coming their way when my lottery numbers hit). Now they assured me I could have my surgery and all would be well with the world, but first sign here that you will not sue if any item is left inside you or if any item inside that should remain inside is accidentally removed.

It was at this point that I really wanted a creamy, ooey, gooey, sugary anything to control these emotions. Maybe a hot dripping cinnamon roll or a meringue pie loaded with whipped cream. No No No…not for my emotionally eating…to throw in the face of the next person who asked me to sign in blood that I would pay!!!

OK, you know what? I do feel better. Blogging has taken the place of eating for me right now in my life. When I would get upset, I would eat. Always. Then I would start the cycle…mad at myself…eat more…mad at someone else…eat more. I feel confident that I have ended that cycle. I know that it will never be totally gone, but I am arming myself with the weapons to fight that urge.

How do you fight the urge? Find something that makes all those feelings purge from inside! Maybe it’s exercise (not this girl), maybe it’s sewing (nope again) or maybe it’s writing (ding, ding, ding). Find what you like and throw yourself into it!!

Love you mucho!