OK – here I am again. I know, I know, my blogs have been few and far between lately. I owe you more than that. I have asked you to be my support, to read my writings and to join me on my path. I have been struggling lately, I have been struggling AND hiding. I felt if I could keep myself hidden then I would not have to face the truth. If I wasn’t facing the truth, I would not have to make any changes… BUT that is not what I need, so here I start with my weekly scheduled blog AGAIN!
I heard an expression once “January is the calendar’s ingrown hair”. I get that. The after Christmas funk has set in and you are faced with stuffing deflated inflatables of cute puppies riding in Santa’s sleigh into a box which seems way smaller than when you first brought it home from Target. Your waiting on your W2 so you can process how much money was taken out of your paycheck and vacation is far far away…
January is what you make of it.
This January I am making it the start of something. A brand new year, a new month, all clean and ready for dates to be filled in and dreams to be fulfilled. I stand here with a clean and clear slate in front of me. I can choose to make NO changes and go through the whole year feeling how I feel now. Dissatisfied.
Why dissatisfied? I have let stress and worry become heavy in my life. So heavy that they have made the scale numbers go higher and higher. Yup. I let my insecurities back into my world. What insecurities you ask…
“You know you are going to fail, just go ahead and do it”
“Who are you to reach out and try to help others”
“Why do you think anyone cares”
Yup…all of those insecurities crept back into my head and slowly moved themselves to front and center. So here it is, the end of 2021 and I am taking inventory of my life. Do I want to stay where I am? Am I happy when I start to look at food as my comfort and my source of feedback (ha…FEEDback…get it?).
So the other day, my answer came right out in front of my face. Old tendencies bubbled up from where I had hidden them away. My husband and I walked into a restaurant and immediately my heart dropped. The booths looked tiny,. For the first time in 2 years, I said “can we have a table please”? I was sick. I had returned to a place of fear. Later I noticed that I kept pulling my shirt down over my stomach as we were walking through the mall. More and more some of the old fears began to appear: sitting down slowly on chairs that look a bit flimsy, putting away all sleeveless clothes and, once again, shopping online at the larger sized clothes.
I was so angry with my self and then I was scared and then I just cried and cried. Why did I let this happen? I had worked so hard! Do I write this up as a failure and just give up? Should I let my kids know that when I died they will have to burn the house around me (a Gilbert Grape reference that terrifies me)?
OK, I was a bit extreme. Yes, I had gained some weight but I was still down 180 pounds. I had to flip this so I didn’t let myself fall deeper and deeper into depression. I can still help so many people. How many of us have fallen and fallen with our weight loss and still get up? A LOT of us.
So yes, it is another beginning for me. I have to put on my big girl granny panties (which are the only ones that fit now anyway) and face my reality. I can do this. I absolutely can do this. Join me and come along for the ride!
SO in closing, January will not be my ingrown hair – it will be my full-on lash extensions, full lip and winged eyeliner!