So, I had a really really bad weekend. I mean REALLY bad. So many emotions and so much crying…UGH. You know what I mean right? When you lay down and your head is throbbing and your eyes are swollen shut and you just want the night to pass as quickly as possible.
On top of all of that, I had a Dr.’s appointment first thing Monday morning. Well, I don’t know about you, but I have a lump that starts in my throat when I have to go to the Doctor. I know this is from years and years of being told I was overweight which was causing my high blood pressure and my cholesterol level to be high (not the good cholesterol but the BAD cholesterol). Basically, being told I was slowly killing myself.
So, I told myself, “When you finish at the Dr., just drive across the street and get a Chick-Fil-A biscuit. It will be one time and no one will know. You certainly do NOT have to blog about it!”
I got to the Doctor and was called in to be weighed. I stepped on the scale and my weight was the lowest it had been in years…I mean 6 years! I immediately asked her to weigh me again so I could see the number. She did. I burst into tears. The nurse got a bit teary when I explained to her what I was seeing for the first time in forever.
The Doctor came in to a red-eyed woman, sniffing and dabbing her eyes (yeah – it was me). I think he assumed I was having a breakdown right in the middle of his office because he began backing up and nervously asking the nurse where the tranquilizers were kept (OK, maybe I imagined that part). The nurse explained what was going on and the Doctor gave out a whoop and gave me a huge hug. So, I did what anybody else would do in that situation…yup, I cried again.
But something snapped in me. I realized I had never really been open about my actual weight. I have shared my weight loss story and I have shared obstacles, but I have never taken that step to become completely honest and transparent. I know why. Years and years of being ashamed of myself and hiding have led to hiding the actual numbers from everyone.
You know, when I was in elementary school, they would weigh us yearly. In front of the whole class. That was horrifying for me. I would try to be “sick” on that day. I remember lying about my weight on what should have been the happiest day of any 16-year old’s life…the day you get your license. I have always seen my weight as a negative, as something that no one needed to know.
But I feel differently know. I am proud of my weight and I have lost over 150 pounds! So, while my number may seem unbelievable to you, to me it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
So…here goes (deep breath) (drum roll)…I weighed in today at 297 pounds. First time below 300 pounds in a long time. That’s why I cried…that’s why I practically danced my way to the checkout counter at the Doctor office…that’s why I am so proud of myself.
So, if you are hiding behind a number…let it go (no Frozen singing PLEASE). If people are going to judge you based on that number, let them. You don’t need those people in your life anyway. But think of the people who will support you and give you courage to continue. Heck, if you don’t want to share with anyone else-share with me!!
Oh, and I did go to Chick-Fil-A and ordered one medium unsweetened tea.
Life is good.