Ok – this morning was just a bad morning. I’m talking about crying to the point that my face was red and snotty kind of morning. My son had heard my exercise class as being described as for the “morbidly obese” and he became obsessed with the idea that I was dying. We had a GREAT long talk and he understands that I am working hard so that I am not identified by those two words. He gets it but it opened a door for me. It made me realize how my actions have affected my kiddos. It made me aware of how far I had to go on my voyage. And it REALLY made me want a chick-fil-a biscuit…wait…what??
Never have I been so aware of my addiction to food. I was down and my mind instinctively went to what makes me feel better. And I KNOW that it’s a cycle, I KNOW that eating a biscuit would make me feel worse because I had sabotaged (every time I see this word..I hear the Beastie Boys in my head) my program. If I know this, why do I automatically go there in my mind?
Because I have to change my thinking. I have to make myself think differently. I am not the same person. I am changing. My mindset has to change also. But how? How do I do this? I called my sister who is a therapist and spoke to her (Lord help me if she charged me when I called her…) and she told me I needed to replace that “feel good” item with something else. She asked me, “What else makes you happy”?
I sat down and made a list: 1. I enjoy writing 2. I enjoy reading 3. I used to really love walking. So she recommended that I use my blogging as therapy. I am doing just that. And I have made it special – like I am still rewarding myself. I poured some La Croix water into a wine glass with some lemon wedges and set it on a pretty plate beside me. I put my favorite oil in my diffuser (the one that smells like my house is clean even when it isn’t) and sat down to write.
And you know what? I feel better. I can just imagine Ronald McDonald and Wendy are looking in my window and feeling depressed…how will they function if I am not driving through the drive-thru every day? But it is empowering to imagine a me that doesn’t depend on food for my attitude or feelings.
This is just one of my many learning steps on this voyage. The honesty of my words on here are sometimes painful – it’s not easy to admit you have a problem. I know I am not alone out there. But admitting the problem makes it so much easier to face. Just talking honestly with my kiddos has been a blessing. They know what I am going through, they know this isn’t a fad that it is for the rest of my life, and they now know that I am determined more than ever to not be described by two words…unless those two words are “SEXY HOT”!
Love you guys!